things i've yet to tell you.

i.  last night i woke up just in time
    to pronounce myself dead.
    i figured, at the very least
    i deserve to say it first.
    i figure i've earned that much.
    instant death- or
    death in an instant-
    allegedly painless.
    they try to tell you
    earnestly
   "she never felt a thing"

ii.  ryan,
     remember that
     your heart beats until it doesn't.
     it beats slowly or quickly
     intensely or softly, but know that mine
     has to work so hard to keep up
     when you're around.
     i love you for that.

iii. ryan,
     lately i've had the same dream over
     and over. the ocean rises
     over the sand, through the streets
     and intersections, backyards and
     hallways. sharks swim, hungry
     down mainstreets and back alleys,
     while i spend the dream looking for you.
     i know, one of these nights
     that i'll find you.
     i'm a very good swimmer.

iv.  one moment was the amount of time it took
     for my heart to skip a beat
     the first time you reached for my hand
     and the amount of time it took
     to stop. one second.
     instant death- or death in an instant.
     but one instant is one moment
     is one second.
     there are one billion nanoseconds
     in one second.
     
     and i felt every single one of them.